College Life I

As majority of my friends pack up there belongings and head off to the next exciting stage of their lives, I sit here in my living room eating Honey Comb cereal contemplating why the hell I am not joining them. The sad truth of the matter is that I am not moving out and going to college because I was too afraid to go to a new place that didn't feel right to me. I wasn't brave enough to take that risk.

I started the summer with a plan that I was so proud; I was going to move out West, get my undergraduate degree at the prestigious Occidental College, go to Berkeley for graduate school, and then move to San Francisco to do research and live in the cleanest city in America. Why am I not following this course of action? Because my childhood anxiety came back to haunt me in a big when I was faced with a rigorous schedule, a long list of homework assignments, little sleep, and piles of stress. I honestly could not deal with the emotional trauma any longer. I then decided that this place obviously wasn't for me and if it was, I wasn't willing to sacrifice my personality for it. I never once felt like Vincent Smith while in California for those 8 days and I cannot think of a worse feeling in the world than that. I hated it. Occidental to me represent this safe haven of individuality and really relaxed vibes. Instead, I was bombarded with stimuli to the point that I could take it no longer. I was sick of ice breakers, I was sick of talking about racial issues, and I was sick of feeling like a piece of shit that couldn't figure out where to go and who to be. So in the end, I packed my bags, got on a plane, and left the program early to be back home where I then encountered more self loathing. I know it is a really cliche thing to say but you really are your own worst enemy. That cheesy statement is true in almost every facet of life.

As you can see, the summer got off to a great start.

I Am Sparticus

This will be my first entry to this blog. I am hoping to really capture something here. Let us see how it goes...

My blog is titled I Am Sparticus because this was Guy Patterson's calling card in the 1996 classic 'That Thing You Do'. I first saw this movie when I was 7 years old and ever since then, it has been my favorite movie. Whether it was my childhood dream to make it big as a musician one day or the sheer fact that Tom Hanks quite possibly could be the greatest actor of all time, I cannot quite say. It also didn't hurt that the soundtrack was so very similar to the music that my father has raised me on. 'The greatest songs are no more than 4 chords and they possess a great melody. Buddy Holly knew this, Elvis knew this, Lennon knew this.' (Although my father is quite the burnt out old hippie, he is a great man and he sure does know his music (excluding the Katie Lang fetish of course)). I have watched this film more than 50 times and I could quote nearly every scene. I also get personally offended when anyone who calls themselves a musician (I use that term lightly) has not seen this cinematic masterpiece. As straight forward as I can be, the movie embodies the dream of wanting to play music for the rest of your life.

I have gone through my awkward years and come out the other side relatively the same. Honestly, the only thing that has changed is the sense of awareness I have come to grips with. I like to believe that I see myself the way others see me and I am not afraid of how I truly feel. That being said, the reason I love 'That Thing You Do' so much is because of the innocence that the 1960's rock & roller possessed. People talk about how music should not be about the image and the drugs and the women; that to me is exactly what Guy Patterson didn't represent. He was innocent, pure, and nieve and the music was all about playing for the people who enjoyed it. Nowadays, music is completely conflicted by different views on this subject and I am just as big a victim as the next guy. The image of the typical kid in the music scene is that of rebellion; a menace to society. Sadly this isn't very far from the truth. Only in the beginning was music perfect.

My reasoning in all this comes from my fear of true musicians. I was in a band who played gigs and the environment is so difficult to swallow. I always felt out of place and awkward and music was supposed to unite all involved. I don't know what it was about that life, that crowd, that scene but I just could never find myself in it. I am so much more at peace by myself recording really bad pop tunes.

I have never been one to belong whole heartedly to anything, but I believe that if I was a musician in the 50's and 60's, I would feel right at home. I would feel like I wasn't alone with my views. So basically in my ideal world, concerts would be held in high school gymnasiums. The crowd would be an even mix of males and females and in their own right, they would be a little on the rebellious side (not so much the 'armed robbery' type but more of the 'sneak out of the house, take mom's car, and have a beer or two with my friends' type). The bands would sing about heart ache and getting dumped but the song would still have an up beat tempo (with Bobby Fuller's 'Another Sad and Lonely Night' being covered at least once). When the band was on, every guy would grab a girl and hit the dance floor. And finally, just to add to the era, there would always be that cute girl in a polka dot dress sipping slowly on a Coke, staring at me from across the room and I would debate asking her to dance all night.

I think that although I have seen a lot of ridiculous shit thanks to public schooling, I still love the innocence of life more than anything else. Although in 'That Thing You Do', the innocence soon wears off and the band starts to split a part, I still want to dream that there are somethings in life that never change. They always stay as pure and beautiful as they were in the beginning. This is unrealistic thinking but I can't help but feel that if everything held on to its originally spark, the world would be rather breathtaking.

'I Am Sparticus' and nothing more. Honesty is what I want to put into this blog. If you read it, be honest with me.